The term Limerence was first used by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book
“Love and limerence: the experience of being in love”.
Limerence is a heightened state of infatuation bordering on obsession for another person, called the “limerent object” (or LO).
Limerence produces a cocktail of feelgood chemicals feeding the brains rewards centre, which gives the person in limerence a feeling of almost euphoria and sets them up for a rollercoaster of massive highs and devastating lows.
If you want to understand limerence then look no further than addiction.
The person in limerence becomes obsessive about their Limerent Object, idealising them, constantly replaying conversations and behaviours, looking for signs and gestures to indicate how the other person feels about them. They are simply unable to see any flaws in the Limerent Object or the “relationship” even if they are glaringly obvious to everyone else.
The longing to be with the Limerent Object is so strong it can be akin to a drug and someone in limerence can almost act like an addict, losing all sense of reason, abandoning their core beliefs, and values, their families and marriages, whilst becoming totally consumed and convinced this feeling of ‘love’ for their Limerent other will last forever.
If the Limerent Object is “unavailable” i.e. the limerence is unrequited, or if anything creates obstacles for the Limerent and Limerent Other being together, this only acts to intensify the ‘feelings’.
And if family and friends trying to “reason” with the Limerent and attempt to get them to see what they are doing this can have the opposite effect and drive them away.
Anyone can experience limerence at any time of their life, though some maybe more prone to it than others, like those with personality disorders, anyone who has experienced childhood trauma or lack of attachment or nurturing from a parent or caregiver, those with low self-esteem, people with addictive personalities, or anyone going through a difficult time.
There are even some people who are ‘limerent addicts’ and are constantly seeking high-octane relationships .
The good news is limerence has a “shelf life”, it’s a chemically driven ‘feeling’ which the brain simply cannot sustain for any real length of time. It has been said limerence can last for anything from 3 months to 3 – 4 years, and most certainly starts to wain as soon as any obstacles to the ‘relationship’ are removed and the couple are living everyday lives together.
But whilst a person is in limerence they are unlikely to see the damage and pain they are causing others and will not accept this ‘feeling’ is unsustainable, they are almost blinded by their ‘love’ for their limerent object.
And just like you cannot reason with someone high on drink or drugs, you cannot reason with someone in the midst of limerence, so don’t even try. If they do come to you, listen and try to be objective (a big ask if your heart is breaking, I know)
The last few years has seen the emergence of limerence mentioned on midlife crisis sites and Facebook pages. I personally think these are two slightly different things.
However both involve spouses acting in devastating and shocking ways, destroying families and marriages and causing chaos, but whereas there is an end to limerent feelings, a midlife crisis is much more complex involves more than chemical highs and the relationships formed in crisis tend to have a long and protracted ending, if of course they end at all.
However, whether your spouse is limerent or in crisis my advice is the same, protect your finances, get educated (if you must), step back, get strong and focus on what you want to do from a place of strength.
Don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t try to ‘make them see sense or send them articles; don’t try to resolve something that’s not yours to resolve.
Take time to process what’s happened and make each day of your life (and that of your children ) count. You don’t know how long this will go on for, or what you are dealing with, or how you will feel the longer this goes on, so try to remove yourself from the madness and protect yourself.
What’s happening to your spouse is not your fault, there isn’t anything you could have done to prevent this AND please don’t compare yourself to the other person, you are worth so much more than that. They are probably as damaged and as toxic as your spouse is right now and certainly not worth your attention.
Remove yourself spiritually and emotionally from the situation and put your energy into walking tall and wearing your crown.
And lastly, believe me when I tell you, whether your spouse is in limerence or crisis, the one thing I know for sure, they are not in love, (they are simply not capable of being in love), they are lost and driven by a chemical high and one day will bitterly regret what they have done.
